Happy-Sad

Dear Simon,

    This weekend the weather was so beautiful.  Friday night was our Face2Face Metro East meeting.  Lil C's mommy, Jeremy's mommy and I went and got ice cream.  Then we walked over to the Angel of Hope statue.  It was so pretty and quiet there.  We were able to remember our angels and have a little peace.  Daddy and I are buying a brick for you there.  I will show you a picture when it is done.  On Saturday, Daddy ran a race and we spent the afternoon at a festival.  It was nice, but there were so many babies and kids playing and having fun.  I missed you so much and wished you were there to enjoy the day.  Sunday was another happy-sad day.  It was such a beautiful day, the nicest we have had all year.  Lil C's parents, Jeremy's parents and Daddy and I went on a bike ride.  Jeremy's little sister was with us all day.  She is such a sweet girl and we had so much fun.  But again, I was sad thinking of you not being there.  All of the fun, cute things she did, I thought about how I would never get to see you do those things.  You will never eat a melting ice cream cone.  You will never go on a bike ride with me and Daddy.  You will never torment the cat.  I want those moments with you.  And it makes me so sad that we will never have them.  So when you see Daddy and me having fun, always remember that you are right there on our minds, and we are wishing more than anything that you were there with us.  I love you baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

Today is a sad day.

Dear Simon,

     Today Mommy got the awful news that your baby brother or sister went to join you in Heaven.  We only just found out we were going to have a baby last week.  It makes me feel a little better to know you are together.  I decided to call the baby Sibley, because it means 'brother or sister.'  So please tell Sibley that we love them and that even though we only had them for 6 weeks, we will never forget them.
     I feel so beaten down.  I miss you so much every second of every day.  When I found out I was going to have Sibley, I was excited for the first time in almost a year.  And now all that is crashing down around me.  All I want in life is to be a mom.  And I know that I will always be your mom, but I want you here with me.  And since I can't have that, I want a little brother or sister to be with me here on Earth.  I feel so hopeless.  I know God has a plan, but right now, I'm not loving that plan so much.  I want something good in my life again.  Daddy and I are so lost and hurt and angry.  We love you and miss you SO much, Simon.  It is hard to even imagine a life filled with happiness anymore.  Daddy and I wanted 2 children.  Now we have 2, but you are both in Heaven.  It is unfair.  I want my babies.  I want you back.

Love,
Mommy

FYI for followers

I just wanted to let you all know that my very good friend Keri has started a new blog for her awesome business, Twinkle Baby Boutique!  Keri is the owner of I Am a Mother To An Angel, my favorite angel mom site.  And her boutique carries the cutest baby and kids clothes.  Even though my angel is in Heaven, I shop for my friends kids at TBB all the time!  Go follow her new blog!

Our Family

Dear Simon,

  I love talking about you and I have your pictures all over the house.  I have a bear with your heartbeat recorded in it, and I love to listen to it.  I even make Smelly listen to it!  But I want you to know us too.  I know you got to meet me and Daddy, but with the blue alien light, you had your eyes covered.  And you never got to come home and meet Smelly.  I know that you boys would have been such good friends.  Smelly would curl up on my tummy when I was pregnant with you and just purr and purr.  And you would kick and kick.  I always told Daddy that him purring was going to be such a comforting sound for you.  I'm so sad that you never got to meet.  So here is a picture of your kitty cat.

I know that he knows how much I miss you, and he has been Mommy's constant companion since you have been gone.
I am such a different person since you left us.  I know you see me, and I hope that you don't dislike the person I have become.  Same with Daddy.  We hope that some day, we can get close to the people we used to be.  But for now, we are just working on getting though every day.

 Daddy and Mommy January 2010 

A few weeks before we got pregnant with you.

Daddy and Mommy (and you!) in July 2010.  

I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant with you and we went to the Ocean City, NJ on vacation.  We were SOOO happy!

  

  Our only family photo, taken on August 16, 2010.  This is the day you were born and the day you went to Heaven.  We were so excited to have you here, but we were so sad because you were gone.  We have never been the same since this day.

I wish you could know the fun, happy people that are in those old pictures.  I wish I could know them again.  I look at those pictures and I just want to shout to them "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS COMING!!!!"  I wish I could go back and tell them that they need to be more careful.  I want to shake them and make them understand what is going to happen and tell them to stop it.  I want to tell them to record every single second that you are here.  Every kick, every craving, every pound gained, every second of your 15 hours in the hospital.  

But I can't do that.  Those people are gone forever.  And I am trying my best to get used to the new people we have become.  I hope that you forgive our stumbles, and that you can see how much we love you and know how wanted you were.  We love you so much, baby boy.  You will always be part of our family.

Love,

Mommy   

Tonight

Dear Simon,

I am missing you so much tonight.  Daddy is away, and I think about how you should be here keeping me company.  I have never felt so alone.  I physically ache from how much I miss you.  I love you.  Good night my angel.

Love,
Mommy

Post for Angel Moms

This is a post for other angel moms.  Stepping Stones is an amazing blog about surviving the loss of a baby.  They are having a great give away!  Hop over to her blog.  Check out the other angel mom blogs I follow, located on the right side of my page.

6 Months

Dear Simon,

    Today is 6 months since you were born.  It has been six months since I held you in my arms.  I miss you every day.  Today was a bittersweet day.  I am sad that you have been gone for 6 months, but today marked the day that we were allowed to start trying to have your little brother or sister.  It was such a beautiful sunny day, I felt at peace all day.  I visited you, and brought you a car for your 6 month birthday.  I read you a story and blew bubbles.  And you played with the bubbles and sent me kisses.  Thank you so much for that, baby.  It brought me so much comfort.
    I got a phone call when I got home that I have to have a test done before I can have a baby again.  So we have to wait until March 16th to find out if everything is okay with Mommy.  I am a little sad that we have to wait, and I am praying that everything is okay.  Please be with me and bring me comfort.
   There are so many people who are thinking of you today.  I hope you feel the love that is being sent to you.  Daddy and I are not together today, so please be with both of us until we are together again.  It is hard to miss you and miss Daddy at the same time.
   I hope that I am a mommy that you can be proud of.  Everything I do in my life is for you.  I want you to look down and be proud to say "That's my Mommy!"  You have made me a better person.  Thank you so much for coming into my life.  I love you so much, and I miss you all the time.  Even though I haven't held you in my arms for 6 months, I hold you in my heart every second.  I love you, baby boy.

Love,
Mommy