Faking It

Dear Simon,

Since you've been gone, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist named Shellie. She helps mommies who have lost their babies. She is helping me with my grief, and her office is a safe place where I can cry and talk. The other day, I was talking with a friend, and I mentioned having an appointment with Shellie tomorrow. This friend said "You're STILL seeing her? How long do you have to do that?" I was totally caught off guard. You have been gone for 5 months and 3 days (well, technically 4 days, but I can't sleep, so it's not Thursday yet in my mind.) Am I supposed to be better now? Should I be over losing you? I don't think that is ever going to happen, and it certainly isn't going to happen anytime soon. Grandma said that because I seem to be "doing so well," people are just surprised to hear that I am seeing a therapist. But it's because of Shellie that I am doing "so well." I don't want people to look at me with pity or be uncomfortable around me. So I put on a happy face when I am around other people. And Shellie's is the place where I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be strong or happy. I can cry and talk about you and how I feel without you. I don't want to do that in front of everyone. But, I don't want people to be surprised that I do it. I think I will always cry for you and I will always talk about you. You will always be our first born, and I will miss you and ache for you always. No one could ever replace you, and Daddy and I will never "get over" losing you. I hope that someday God blesses us with another baby, but they will not take away the hole in our hearts that appeared when we lost you. I hope that you know that. My faking it may fool the people around me, but I hope that you can feel my love for you and that you know that I could never possibly "get over" you. You are a part of me. I will love you and miss you forever.

Love,

Mommy

The 16th

Dear Simon,

Five months. You have been gone for 5 months. It has been exactly 5 months since I held you. Daddy and I visited you today after church. It was Ian's baptism day today at church. You were supposed to be born 1 week after him. I kept thinking about how you should be getting baptized too. Instead, you were baptized in the hospital with doctors and nurses around trying to keep you alive. I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a nice baptism, with a gown made by Grandma and lots of people there smiling at you. I am very glad you were able to be baptized, and that Daddy and I were there, and your Godmom Kate. And I'm glad that Pastor Martha was there to do it, and to pray for you all day. There were not a lot of smiling people there, but there were sooooo many people all over the world praying for you. That's pretty amazing. You are so loved.

I met a little boy the other day, and he looked like I imagine you would have looked at 3. He was super cute, just like you! I wish I could see you grow up into a little boy. I wish you got to experience all the great things that little boys are supposed to. I wonder what you would be doing today, at 5 months old. I wish you were sleeping upstairs in your room. I would happily give up hours of sleep to hold you.

I miss you every day, but especially on the 16th. Miss Sarah said that she hopes I can remember the 16th as a happy day, because it was the day I got to spend with you. And I do remember it like that. Holding your hand was the closest I can come to Heaven here on Earth. My life began when I got to be your mommy. Thank you so much for being my son. I love you more than I can express.

Love,

Mommy