This weekend I went on a retreat with some ladies from church. It was such a nice weekend to pray, reflect and enjoy the company of friends. The first night we were there, we were supposed to make a collage of things that represent us. I had a really hard time doing it. I am supposed to be a mommy. But am I? You will always be my son, but you are not here. What is a mother without a child? I spent so many months preparing for you and dreaming about what we would do and getting my mind ready to be a mom. Now here I am, still prepared and ready with only memories and dreams. So, on my poster, I said "my first son, made with love. angel mom. looks forward to sunnier skies. strong." And I know that all of these things are true. Before you, I never would have considered myself strong. You made me that way. It was just one of the many gifts you have given to me.
I had a lot of time to be by myself and pray and think of you. I miss you like crazy. Since your due date, it has been hard because you are supposed to be here now. Instead, you are in Heaven and I am here without you. I am working on learning how to live without you. Part of me doesn't even want to try, but I know that I can not change things. I can't bring you back, no matter how much I want to. So I am trying to be optimistic, to "look forward to sunnier skies." I know that one day we will be together again, but until then, I need to keep on living.
Love,
Mommy
