Who am I without you?

Dear Simon,

This weekend I went on a retreat with some ladies from church. It was such a nice weekend to pray, reflect and enjoy the company of friends. The first night we were there, we were supposed to make a collage of things that represent us. I had a really hard time doing it. I am supposed to be a mommy. But am I? You will always be my son, but you are not here. What is a mother without a child? I spent so many months preparing for you and dreaming about what we would do and getting my mind ready to be a mom. Now here I am, still prepared and ready with only memories and dreams. So, on my poster, I said "my first son, made with love. angel mom. looks forward to sunnier skies. strong." And I know that all of these things are true. Before you, I never would have considered myself strong. You made me that way. It was just one of the many gifts you have given to me.

I had a lot of time to be by myself and pray and think of you. I miss you like crazy. Since your due date, it has been hard because you are supposed to be here now. Instead, you are in Heaven and I am here without you. I am working on learning how to live without you. Part of me doesn't even want to try, but I know that I can not change things. I can't bring you back, no matter how much I want to. So I am trying to be optimistic, to "look forward to sunnier skies." I know that one day we will be together again, but until then, I need to keep on living.

Love,

Mommy

You should be here.

Dear Simon,

Today is the day you should be joining our lives. Instead, I visited you at the cemetery and I am writing you a letter you can never read. I would give anything and everything to hold you today. To kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I miss you every second of every day.

Love,

Mommy

One Month, One Day

Dear Simon,

It has been a month and one day since you came into the world and changed my life. It has been a month since I got to hold your hand and talk to you. It has been a month since we said goodbye. Not a day has gone by that I have not missed you and talked to you and wanted you back. You daddy and I wanted you before you were even created, and we waited for you with such excitement. We weren't expecting to meet you until Halloween, and we were scared when you decided to come early. But we were still excited to meet you. We never imagined we would only get you for 15 short hours. You were so perfect. You had the cutest little nose. You had your daddy's dark hair and my long fingers and toes. You liked to hold on to our fingers, and only our fingers. You liked to give trouble to your nurse, Mandy. You had ticklish feet. I could have watched you and held you forever. I am so sorry that we got sick. I'm so sorry that I could not protect you and make you better. I would give anything for you to be safe in my tummy where you belong. I wish I knew that this would happen so that could have documented every second of our time together. Every kick, every heartbeat, every craving. I cherish them all. I love you so much, and I miss you every second.

Love,

Mommy