Friends

Dear Simon,

Yesterday, our story was featured on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. That's right, you're internet famous now. I have been feeling so alone with our disease. You just don't meet people who catch listeria. I always checked all the websites to find someone like us, and there was never anyone. So that's why I wrote to the FOL people. I figured if I felt like that, maybe someone else out there feels the same, and they can read our story and not feel so alone. And guess what happened? A very nice mommy emailed me! She had a baby girl, Atalee, who was due right when you were due. And they got sick with listeria, too. Ati joined you as an angel October 27th. Make sure you find her and be her friend. Her mommy and daddy miss her so much, just like Daddy and I miss you. Thank you so much for guiding me to find so many wonderful angel mommies like Ati's mommy. You are such a blessing in my life. I live for you and I try every day to do what would make you proud to call me your mom. Just like I am so proud to call you my son. I love you and miss you and I'm sending you tons and tons of hugs and kisses.

Love,

Mommy

Faking It

Dear Simon,

Since you've been gone, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist named Shellie. She helps mommies who have lost their babies. She is helping me with my grief, and her office is a safe place where I can cry and talk. The other day, I was talking with a friend, and I mentioned having an appointment with Shellie tomorrow. This friend said "You're STILL seeing her? How long do you have to do that?" I was totally caught off guard. You have been gone for 5 months and 3 days (well, technically 4 days, but I can't sleep, so it's not Thursday yet in my mind.) Am I supposed to be better now? Should I be over losing you? I don't think that is ever going to happen, and it certainly isn't going to happen anytime soon. Grandma said that because I seem to be "doing so well," people are just surprised to hear that I am seeing a therapist. But it's because of Shellie that I am doing "so well." I don't want people to look at me with pity or be uncomfortable around me. So I put on a happy face when I am around other people. And Shellie's is the place where I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be strong or happy. I can cry and talk about you and how I feel without you. I don't want to do that in front of everyone. But, I don't want people to be surprised that I do it. I think I will always cry for you and I will always talk about you. You will always be our first born, and I will miss you and ache for you always. No one could ever replace you, and Daddy and I will never "get over" losing you. I hope that someday God blesses us with another baby, but they will not take away the hole in our hearts that appeared when we lost you. I hope that you know that. My faking it may fool the people around me, but I hope that you can feel my love for you and that you know that I could never possibly "get over" you. You are a part of me. I will love you and miss you forever.

Love,

Mommy

The 16th

Dear Simon,

Five months. You have been gone for 5 months. It has been exactly 5 months since I held you. Daddy and I visited you today after church. It was Ian's baptism day today at church. You were supposed to be born 1 week after him. I kept thinking about how you should be getting baptized too. Instead, you were baptized in the hospital with doctors and nurses around trying to keep you alive. I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a nice baptism, with a gown made by Grandma and lots of people there smiling at you. I am very glad you were able to be baptized, and that Daddy and I were there, and your Godmom Kate. And I'm glad that Pastor Martha was there to do it, and to pray for you all day. There were not a lot of smiling people there, but there were sooooo many people all over the world praying for you. That's pretty amazing. You are so loved.

I met a little boy the other day, and he looked like I imagine you would have looked at 3. He was super cute, just like you! I wish I could see you grow up into a little boy. I wish you got to experience all the great things that little boys are supposed to. I wonder what you would be doing today, at 5 months old. I wish you were sleeping upstairs in your room. I would happily give up hours of sleep to hold you.

I miss you every day, but especially on the 16th. Miss Sarah said that she hopes I can remember the 16th as a happy day, because it was the day I got to spend with you. And I do remember it like that. Holding your hand was the closest I can come to Heaven here on Earth. My life began when I got to be your mommy. Thank you so much for being my son. I love you more than I can express.

Love,

Mommy

New Year

Dear Simon,

Happy New Year, baby boy. I'm sorry I haven't written you more, I have been so sad without you, it is hard to do anything at all. We had our first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year without you, when it should have been our first holidays with you. Instead of "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, we had ornaments to remember you. Your Godmom Kate sent us a little Christmas tree for you. It is so cute, but it also makes me sad. I don't want a tree to remember you by. I don't want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas flowers for your grave. I wanted to dress you up in a santa suit that you would be embarrassed of when you got bigger. I wanted to show you off to everyone at the holidays. I just want you here. I feel so empty without you. I think about you all the time, and I miss you every second of every day. Our family is not the same without you here. It's so strange that you have been gone for 4 and 1/2 months. How is it possible that it simultaneously feels like it was yesterday and so long ago? I wonder what you would be like now. I look at Skylar, who is just a couple weeks younger than you, and was so much tinier than you were when she was born. I can't help but compare you to her.

I was so sick when you were born, and I was not awake for your birth. For a long time, I didn't know if you had cried, because by the time I woke up, they had put you on a ventilator. I was too scared to ask Daddy, because I didn't want to upset him, and also because I was afraid of his answer. But I finally asked him the night before Thanksgiving. And guess what? You did cry. That made me so happy to hear. I wish I got the chance to hear you. There are so many things that I wish for. Things that are not possible. But I am thankful for the memories I do have of you. I will never forget them. I love you so much, Simon. More than I knew was possible. I hope that you know that.

Love,

Mommy