Thursday, January 20, 2011

Faking It

Dear Simon,

Since you've been gone, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist named Shellie. She helps mommies who have lost their babies. She is helping me with my grief, and her office is a safe place where I can cry and talk. The other day, I was talking with a friend, and I mentioned having an appointment with Shellie tomorrow. This friend said "You're STILL seeing her? How long do you have to do that?" I was totally caught off guard. You have been gone for 5 months and 3 days (well, technically 4 days, but I can't sleep, so it's not Thursday yet in my mind.) Am I supposed to be better now? Should I be over losing you? I don't think that is ever going to happen, and it certainly isn't going to happen anytime soon. Grandma said that because I seem to be "doing so well," people are just surprised to hear that I am seeing a therapist. But it's because of Shellie that I am doing "so well." I don't want people to look at me with pity or be uncomfortable around me. So I put on a happy face when I am around other people. And Shellie's is the place where I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be strong or happy. I can cry and talk about you and how I feel without you. I don't want to do that in front of everyone. But, I don't want people to be surprised that I do it. I think I will always cry for you and I will always talk about you. You will always be our first born, and I will miss you and ache for you always. No one could ever replace you, and Daddy and I will never "get over" losing you. I hope that someday God blesses us with another baby, but they will not take away the hole in our hearts that appeared when we lost you. I hope that you know that. My faking it may fool the people around me, but I hope that you can feel my love for you and that you know that I could never possibly "get over" you. You are a part of me. I will love you and miss you forever.


  1. Sadly, those who have never been in our shoes just don't know the lifelong pain that you experience. They figure because you didn't get to know your child for very long, it shouldn't take you very long to get over him. You should continue to see Shellie for as long as you need and want to, regardless of how long that is. ((hugs))