Faking It

Dear Simon,

Since you've been gone, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist named Shellie. She helps mommies who have lost their babies. She is helping me with my grief, and her office is a safe place where I can cry and talk. The other day, I was talking with a friend, and I mentioned having an appointment with Shellie tomorrow. This friend said "You're STILL seeing her? How long do you have to do that?" I was totally caught off guard. You have been gone for 5 months and 3 days (well, technically 4 days, but I can't sleep, so it's not Thursday yet in my mind.) Am I supposed to be better now? Should I be over losing you? I don't think that is ever going to happen, and it certainly isn't going to happen anytime soon. Grandma said that because I seem to be "doing so well," people are just surprised to hear that I am seeing a therapist. But it's because of Shellie that I am doing "so well." I don't want people to look at me with pity or be uncomfortable around me. So I put on a happy face when I am around other people. And Shellie's is the place where I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be strong or happy. I can cry and talk about you and how I feel without you. I don't want to do that in front of everyone. But, I don't want people to be surprised that I do it. I think I will always cry for you and I will always talk about you. You will always be our first born, and I will miss you and ache for you always. No one could ever replace you, and Daddy and I will never "get over" losing you. I hope that someday God blesses us with another baby, but they will not take away the hole in our hearts that appeared when we lost you. I hope that you know that. My faking it may fool the people around me, but I hope that you can feel my love for you and that you know that I could never possibly "get over" you. You are a part of me. I will love you and miss you forever.

Love,

Mommy