Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year

Dear Simon,

Happy New Year, baby boy. I'm sorry I haven't written you more, I have been so sad without you, it is hard to do anything at all. We had our first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year without you, when it should have been our first holidays with you. Instead of "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, we had ornaments to remember you. Your Godmom Kate sent us a little Christmas tree for you. It is so cute, but it also makes me sad. I don't want a tree to remember you by. I don't want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas flowers for your grave. I wanted to dress you up in a santa suit that you would be embarrassed of when you got bigger. I wanted to show you off to everyone at the holidays. I just want you here. I feel so empty without you. I think about you all the time, and I miss you every second of every day. Our family is not the same without you here. It's so strange that you have been gone for 4 and 1/2 months. How is it possible that it simultaneously feels like it was yesterday and so long ago? I wonder what you would be like now. I look at Skylar, who is just a couple weeks younger than you, and was so much tinier than you were when she was born. I can't help but compare you to her.
I was so sick when you were born, and I was not awake for your birth. For a long time, I didn't know if you had cried, because by the time I woke up, they had put you on a ventilator. I was too scared to ask Daddy, because I didn't want to upset him, and also because I was afraid of his answer. But I finally asked him the night before Thanksgiving. And guess what? You did cry. That made me so happy to hear. I wish I got the chance to hear you. There are so many things that I wish for. Things that are not possible. But I am thankful for the memories I do have of you. I will never forget them. I love you so much, Simon. More than I knew was possible. I hope that you know that.

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