Happy-Sad

Dear Simon,

    This weekend the weather was so beautiful.  Friday night was our Face2Face Metro East meeting.  Lil C's mommy, Jeremy's mommy and I went and got ice cream.  Then we walked over to the Angel of Hope statue.  It was so pretty and quiet there.  We were able to remember our angels and have a little peace.  Daddy and I are buying a brick for you there.  I will show you a picture when it is done.  On Saturday, Daddy ran a race and we spent the afternoon at a festival.  It was nice, but there were so many babies and kids playing and having fun.  I missed you so much and wished you were there to enjoy the day.  Sunday was another happy-sad day.  It was such a beautiful day, the nicest we have had all year.  Lil C's parents, Jeremy's parents and Daddy and I went on a bike ride.  Jeremy's little sister was with us all day.  She is such a sweet girl and we had so much fun.  But again, I was sad thinking of you not being there.  All of the fun, cute things she did, I thought about how I would never get to see you do those things.  You will never eat a melting ice cream cone.  You will never go on a bike ride with me and Daddy.  You will never torment the cat.  I want those moments with you.  And it makes me so sad that we will never have them.  So when you see Daddy and me having fun, always remember that you are right there on our minds, and we are wishing more than anything that you were there with us.  I love you baby boy.

Love,
Mommy

Today is a sad day.

Dear Simon,

     Today Mommy got the awful news that your baby brother or sister went to join you in Heaven.  We only just found out we were going to have a baby last week.  It makes me feel a little better to know you are together.  I decided to call the baby Sibley, because it means 'brother or sister.'  So please tell Sibley that we love them and that even though we only had them for 6 weeks, we will never forget them.
     I feel so beaten down.  I miss you so much every second of every day.  When I found out I was going to have Sibley, I was excited for the first time in almost a year.  And now all that is crashing down around me.  All I want in life is to be a mom.  And I know that I will always be your mom, but I want you here with me.  And since I can't have that, I want a little brother or sister to be with me here on Earth.  I feel so hopeless.  I know God has a plan, but right now, I'm not loving that plan so much.  I want something good in my life again.  Daddy and I are so lost and hurt and angry.  We love you and miss you SO much, Simon.  It is hard to even imagine a life filled with happiness anymore.  Daddy and I wanted 2 children.  Now we have 2, but you are both in Heaven.  It is unfair.  I want my babies.  I want you back.

Love,
Mommy

FYI for followers

I just wanted to let you all know that my very good friend Keri has started a new blog for her awesome business, Twinkle Baby Boutique!  Keri is the owner of I Am a Mother To An Angel, my favorite angel mom site.  And her boutique carries the cutest baby and kids clothes.  Even though my angel is in Heaven, I shop for my friends kids at TBB all the time!  Go follow her new blog!

Our Family

Dear Simon,

  I love talking about you and I have your pictures all over the house.  I have a bear with your heartbeat recorded in it, and I love to listen to it.  I even make Smelly listen to it!  But I want you to know us too.  I know you got to meet me and Daddy, but with the blue alien light, you had your eyes covered.  And you never got to come home and meet Smelly.  I know that you boys would have been such good friends.  Smelly would curl up on my tummy when I was pregnant with you and just purr and purr.  And you would kick and kick.  I always told Daddy that him purring was going to be such a comforting sound for you.  I'm so sad that you never got to meet.  So here is a picture of your kitty cat.

I know that he knows how much I miss you, and he has been Mommy's constant companion since you have been gone.
I am such a different person since you left us.  I know you see me, and I hope that you don't dislike the person I have become.  Same with Daddy.  We hope that some day, we can get close to the people we used to be.  But for now, we are just working on getting though every day.

 Daddy and Mommy January 2010 

A few weeks before we got pregnant with you.

Daddy and Mommy (and you!) in July 2010.  

I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant with you and we went to the Ocean City, NJ on vacation.  We were SOOO happy!

  

  Our only family photo, taken on August 16, 2010.  This is the day you were born and the day you went to Heaven.  We were so excited to have you here, but we were so sad because you were gone.  We have never been the same since this day.

I wish you could know the fun, happy people that are in those old pictures.  I wish I could know them again.  I look at those pictures and I just want to shout to them "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS COMING!!!!"  I wish I could go back and tell them that they need to be more careful.  I want to shake them and make them understand what is going to happen and tell them to stop it.  I want to tell them to record every single second that you are here.  Every kick, every craving, every pound gained, every second of your 15 hours in the hospital.  

But I can't do that.  Those people are gone forever.  And I am trying my best to get used to the new people we have become.  I hope that you forgive our stumbles, and that you can see how much we love you and know how wanted you were.  We love you so much, baby boy.  You will always be part of our family.

Love,

Mommy   

Tonight

Dear Simon,

I am missing you so much tonight.  Daddy is away, and I think about how you should be here keeping me company.  I have never felt so alone.  I physically ache from how much I miss you.  I love you.  Good night my angel.

Love,
Mommy

Post for Angel Moms

This is a post for other angel moms.  Stepping Stones is an amazing blog about surviving the loss of a baby.  They are having a great give away!  Hop over to her blog.  Check out the other angel mom blogs I follow, located on the right side of my page.

6 Months

Dear Simon,

    Today is 6 months since you were born.  It has been six months since I held you in my arms.  I miss you every day.  Today was a bittersweet day.  I am sad that you have been gone for 6 months, but today marked the day that we were allowed to start trying to have your little brother or sister.  It was such a beautiful sunny day, I felt at peace all day.  I visited you, and brought you a car for your 6 month birthday.  I read you a story and blew bubbles.  And you played with the bubbles and sent me kisses.  Thank you so much for that, baby.  It brought me so much comfort.
    I got a phone call when I got home that I have to have a test done before I can have a baby again.  So we have to wait until March 16th to find out if everything is okay with Mommy.  I am a little sad that we have to wait, and I am praying that everything is okay.  Please be with me and bring me comfort.
   There are so many people who are thinking of you today.  I hope you feel the love that is being sent to you.  Daddy and I are not together today, so please be with both of us until we are together again.  It is hard to miss you and miss Daddy at the same time.
   I hope that I am a mommy that you can be proud of.  Everything I do in my life is for you.  I want you to look down and be proud to say "That's my Mommy!"  You have made me a better person.  Thank you so much for coming into my life.  I love you so much, and I miss you all the time.  Even though I haven't held you in my arms for 6 months, I hold you in my heart every second.  I love you, baby boy.

Love,
Mommy  

Kitty Cats and Valentines

Dear Simon,

  Things have been not to bad here for Mommy and Daddy.  While I think of you and miss you every day, I have not been as sad as I was.  Knowing that you are always around me brings me peace.  You have been getting Valentine's from your angel friends.  They are so cute.  I am putting them up around your tree.  And I got you lots of cute Valentine's Day things for the cemetery.  I just wish it would stop snowing and icing so I can bring them over!
  Our kitty cat, Smelly, has started sleeping in your room a lot.  I'm not sure why, but I like it that he is in there snuggled up.  I think that you boys would have been great friends.  He was the first one besides Mommy, Daddy and Dr. Philpott to hear your heartbeat.  I recorded it at the doctor's office the first time we got to hear it.  As soon as I got home, I played it for Smelly so he could hear you.  And I know you loved him, because when he would lay on my belly and purr, you would wiggle and kick.  I always told Daddy that Smelly's purring would be a comforting noise to you since you heard it so much in my tummy.  Now, it is a comforting noise to me when I am sad and missing you.
  Can I ask you to do Mommy a favor?  Please can you and your angel friends watch over Miss A and her baby? And Austin to help him heal?  Thank you my sweet boy.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much.  You are the light of our life, shining down from Heaven.

Love,
Mommy

Tough days and Signs

Dear Simon,

Hi baby boy. The last week has been very busy and very draining. I went to my first Face2Face group on Friday. It was Jamie's group in St. Louis. I met some AMAZING Angel Moms there and we had a really nice time. (We even got kicked out of the Bread Co.!) Saturday was Ms. A's baby shower. It was such a hard day for mommy. I am so happy for her, but I am so sad that I never got to have my shower to celebrate you. And I kept thinking about how you should have been there, 5 and a half months old, being passed around the room to family and friends with baby fever. Instead, I felt awkward and sad. I didn't want Ms. A to be worrying about me (which of course she did) and I felt like I had to fake being cheerful. Overall, going was not my best idea. Since then, I have been very down, missing you. We had a big storm this week, and I hate when it snows and ices. I worry about your place at the cemetery and I don't like not being able to go see you there. I got you lots of nice things for Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day. I am excited to bring them to you. I was looking through all your pictures today. You are such a beautiful and brave little man. I never knew I could have so much love in me.

Thank you so much for the sign you brought Grandma today. I think she has been having a tough week. You are so sweet to bring her closer to you.

I love you with all my heart. You are the best thing Daddy and I have ever done.

Love,

Mommy

PS- Can you please watch over the people I am praying extra for today? They could really use an angel with them.

Friends

Dear Simon,

Yesterday, our story was featured on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. That's right, you're internet famous now. I have been feeling so alone with our disease. You just don't meet people who catch listeria. I always checked all the websites to find someone like us, and there was never anyone. So that's why I wrote to the FOL people. I figured if I felt like that, maybe someone else out there feels the same, and they can read our story and not feel so alone. And guess what happened? A very nice mommy emailed me! She had a baby girl, Atalee, who was due right when you were due. And they got sick with listeria, too. Ati joined you as an angel October 27th. Make sure you find her and be her friend. Her mommy and daddy miss her so much, just like Daddy and I miss you. Thank you so much for guiding me to find so many wonderful angel mommies like Ati's mommy. You are such a blessing in my life. I live for you and I try every day to do what would make you proud to call me your mom. Just like I am so proud to call you my son. I love you and miss you and I'm sending you tons and tons of hugs and kisses.

Love,

Mommy

Faking It

Dear Simon,

Since you've been gone, I have been seeing a wonderful therapist named Shellie. She helps mommies who have lost their babies. She is helping me with my grief, and her office is a safe place where I can cry and talk. The other day, I was talking with a friend, and I mentioned having an appointment with Shellie tomorrow. This friend said "You're STILL seeing her? How long do you have to do that?" I was totally caught off guard. You have been gone for 5 months and 3 days (well, technically 4 days, but I can't sleep, so it's not Thursday yet in my mind.) Am I supposed to be better now? Should I be over losing you? I don't think that is ever going to happen, and it certainly isn't going to happen anytime soon. Grandma said that because I seem to be "doing so well," people are just surprised to hear that I am seeing a therapist. But it's because of Shellie that I am doing "so well." I don't want people to look at me with pity or be uncomfortable around me. So I put on a happy face when I am around other people. And Shellie's is the place where I don't have to pretend. I don't have to be strong or happy. I can cry and talk about you and how I feel without you. I don't want to do that in front of everyone. But, I don't want people to be surprised that I do it. I think I will always cry for you and I will always talk about you. You will always be our first born, and I will miss you and ache for you always. No one could ever replace you, and Daddy and I will never "get over" losing you. I hope that someday God blesses us with another baby, but they will not take away the hole in our hearts that appeared when we lost you. I hope that you know that. My faking it may fool the people around me, but I hope that you can feel my love for you and that you know that I could never possibly "get over" you. You are a part of me. I will love you and miss you forever.

Love,

Mommy

The 16th

Dear Simon,

Five months. You have been gone for 5 months. It has been exactly 5 months since I held you. Daddy and I visited you today after church. It was Ian's baptism day today at church. You were supposed to be born 1 week after him. I kept thinking about how you should be getting baptized too. Instead, you were baptized in the hospital with doctors and nurses around trying to keep you alive. I'm so sorry you didn't get to have a nice baptism, with a gown made by Grandma and lots of people there smiling at you. I am very glad you were able to be baptized, and that Daddy and I were there, and your Godmom Kate. And I'm glad that Pastor Martha was there to do it, and to pray for you all day. There were not a lot of smiling people there, but there were sooooo many people all over the world praying for you. That's pretty amazing. You are so loved.

I met a little boy the other day, and he looked like I imagine you would have looked at 3. He was super cute, just like you! I wish I could see you grow up into a little boy. I wish you got to experience all the great things that little boys are supposed to. I wonder what you would be doing today, at 5 months old. I wish you were sleeping upstairs in your room. I would happily give up hours of sleep to hold you.

I miss you every day, but especially on the 16th. Miss Sarah said that she hopes I can remember the 16th as a happy day, because it was the day I got to spend with you. And I do remember it like that. Holding your hand was the closest I can come to Heaven here on Earth. My life began when I got to be your mommy. Thank you so much for being my son. I love you more than I can express.

Love,

Mommy

New Year

Dear Simon,

Happy New Year, baby boy. I'm sorry I haven't written you more, I have been so sad without you, it is hard to do anything at all. We had our first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year without you, when it should have been our first holidays with you. Instead of "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, we had ornaments to remember you. Your Godmom Kate sent us a little Christmas tree for you. It is so cute, but it also makes me sad. I don't want a tree to remember you by. I don't want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas flowers for your grave. I wanted to dress you up in a santa suit that you would be embarrassed of when you got bigger. I wanted to show you off to everyone at the holidays. I just want you here. I feel so empty without you. I think about you all the time, and I miss you every second of every day. Our family is not the same without you here. It's so strange that you have been gone for 4 and 1/2 months. How is it possible that it simultaneously feels like it was yesterday and so long ago? I wonder what you would be like now. I look at Skylar, who is just a couple weeks younger than you, and was so much tinier than you were when she was born. I can't help but compare you to her.

I was so sick when you were born, and I was not awake for your birth. For a long time, I didn't know if you had cried, because by the time I woke up, they had put you on a ventilator. I was too scared to ask Daddy, because I didn't want to upset him, and also because I was afraid of his answer. But I finally asked him the night before Thanksgiving. And guess what? You did cry. That made me so happy to hear. I wish I got the chance to hear you. There are so many things that I wish for. Things that are not possible. But I am thankful for the memories I do have of you. I will never forget them. I love you so much, Simon. More than I knew was possible. I hope that you know that.

Love,

Mommy